YOU CAN'T HAVE MANSLAUGHTER

I have a very long day ahead of me. It makes me exausted just thinking about today's contents. I have to go to the DMV to get my drivers manual. Then I have to go with my mother to get the oil changed in her car. Lastly, my 1 1/2 hour trip to Lewistown. God, I hate the drive. I'm not exactly sure on how I feel about seeing Terry again, let alone staying the night there. It's kinda weird considering he's the first guy I have ever had sex with, but he's my friend. My feelings at this point are somewhat mixed. It could also be the fact that my mother will be an hour away, so if anything were to put me in danger or hurt me emotionally or physically, I would have to wait an hour for her to come "rescue" me. I would like to see him again, though. He's a really interesting person and is one of my better friends. Being on no sleep kills the body, it truly does. I do not recommend not sleeping and being in the car for long periods of time. 

    I could not get the thought of how much I love Holly off my mind last night. There's so many things that have cause my affection towards her. It is so nice to have someone who cares for me and has a mutual feeling towards me. This really does mean the world to me. She is supportive through everything and tries so hard to understand. I will admit, sometimes I have my moments where I think she may leave me or I may leave her. As people grow older, they change. I'm pretty keen on seeing into my future, and I do see her in it. I also thought that about someone else, but I knew there was more to her than meets the eye. Holly is unlike anyone else I have been in a romantic relationship with. At many times, I have found it within myself to see that she really is the girl for me. The person I may be very likely to spend the rest of my life with. I've never regretted cheating on people until I fucked myself over a good one and hurt her. I realize how much she does mean to me and that I regret it everyday since it has happened. I tend to reitterate. I just cannot wait until I can look into her eyes and tell her how truly sorry I am and show her how much I mean it, how much she means to me. To be able to hold her and calm her, just be near her at all. I'm killing myself to be able to do so. I've never felt so strongly about someone I have never met in person. I have never had an online relationship, really. I find it to be wonderful how I can feel so close to her, but have never actually been that close. How I can feel so aroused, but have never actually been able to make love to her. How I can hear her heartbeat when she's 10,000 miles away. I love every minute that we spend on the phone, never wanting it to end. The only words I really thought I would have to write on here would be "I am so deeply in love with her." But it is so much more that that. It's so much more than a long-distance relationship. Maybe I'm just dreaming and I will wake up to boring, bitchy reality. Or maybe this is reality, I don't care what it is. I never, as long as I am still breathing, want it to come to an end. I love you Holly, more than you may ever know, and I cannot wait until the day I can be there for you to protect, love, consol, hold, and spoil you. Someday soon.

I love her. I really do. No matter what anyone says. She means the entire world to me. This morning when I knew that she was hurting, I felt terrible inside. I knew it was because of me, and I couldn't take it back. Yes, I like Lacey, but I'm still young yet. It's going to take a while for me to make up my mind, but I have it set. I am IN LOVE with Holly. I just like Lacey. She's a cool person. I feel that no matter what I do, I'm always confused. Everything is going to be fine. I promise. I'm going to marry her. She is so much to me. I can't wait for April :D

OH MY GOD. Parents piss me off to no end. Why must she be so cruel to Megan. I love Megan and hate to see shit like this happen.

Rawr.

High and no one to share it with.

Dammit.

I wish Holly was here. Fucking carpel tunnel. 

 The longer I don't see her, the more I feel like i'm dying inside. I hate to hear from her, wishing I could just be beside her. Longing to hear words I haven't heard in a very long time. Wondering if she cares about her as much as I do. Wondering if she still wants to be there. Praying that someday I will be able to hold her again. I keep lying to myself and saying that I never loved her when I know I did. I tell myself that i'll be fine without her, that i'm not jealous, that i'm not scared. I'm unable to do many things without thinking of her. There is now a hole where she once was, a spot i've attempted to fill. Sometimes I wonder if she wishes she was lying beside me too. If she misses everything as much as I do. Hoping that this is all a nightmare, that I can wake up. But I can't, I never will. Everyday, I will wake up to reality and face it again. As much as I tell myself these lies and have false hopes, it's never going to happen. I'm never going to be "hers" again. She found someone that makes her happy. Someone she can say with confidence that she loves. I wish I wasn't this upset still. I want to call her and tell her how much I still love her and my feelings are much more than on a friend level. I envy those who have something special, knowing what that once felt like. I can't even kiss other girls without thinking of her. She always comes up in my conversations. My parents make it worse by saying I can't ever see her again. They don't understand, and I forgive them for it. I've forgiven everything. I know why her feelings became less and this happens when I try to be myself. I want to just hug her and not let go, hold onto her so she can't leave. I want so much to hear "I love you" again and that I matter. To know that I have someone to turn to. I'd die to hear that she still loves me and is hiding it, though I don't believe this is true. I am not obsessed with her and I have ruled this out, I just have very few people in my life that have told me they cared. The words she spoke that one night killed me. When she asks me if I want my stuff back I secretly cry and wish she would ask me to come over and tell me she wants to hold me instead. I know I'm going to get over this. I know that i will be okay and move on with life and all of it's enjoyments as much as it will still hurt. I'm a strong person and need to stay that way. I just don't want false caring.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it does not, it is not yours and never was. 

For once in my life, i am happy. I have only had one point where I was this happy, but it slowly went downhill. I do not feel the need to cling on to people and only talk to them. I am always going to have that feeling for that one specific person. She showed me a lot and was the only family I had. I still miss the times we spent together, but I can try and do that with other people. I am now suckered into a relationship I really do not wish to have. I never even said we were in one, she assumed. But I can not hurt someone I will have to see everyday for 2 more weeks, give or take. 

I miss sitting in the rain and smoking. I miss being intoxicated and needing assistance. I miss being told that I mean something to someone, that I matter to at least one person. I know my family cares, but not in the way that makes me feel special. I am still having trouble adjusting. I just wish it would have been earlier and I would not have been so hurt. There is no reason to be. I knew it was unhealthy and I needed to change, I knew I could not do it with me worrying about her too.

I finally get a chance to actually start all over.

Sometimes I feel like a goldfish in a coffee pot, no where to go and accidently boiled to death.

Fucking hell.

 Oh my god. This is killing me. I need to talk to her. Ugh, I'm going insane. Why can't anything good in my life stay good? Why must people always hurt me and act like they don't care? I just want her love, her friendship. RAWR. asddgfh! 

I need friends. I abandoned everyone for her :(

                   Happy Birthday, Harley!!

Well, I really need to fix this mess I got myself into. I don't know how I got into it, but i'm going to fix it, come hell or high water. I need certain people and they're my only motivation. I am happy that I am going to finally fix things about myself that needed attention before. I still love her. I'm pathetic. I just want everything to be wonderful again. When she said she didn't want to come crawling back to me again, I was hoping she would anyways.

DAMMIT. I'm always excluded from orgys. WTF?!

How come no matter how lucky I am, I am never happy? I finally thought I found true happiness, but it's tearing my heart out to know that other people are still in love with her. I wish I never knew anything I know now. I wish I could feel like somewhat of a descent human being. I wish I could feel the happiness buried within me.  She does make me the happiest person on this earth, but sometimes I feel so upset, so guilty. I shouldn't but I do. Why do I always get myself so worked up and wrapped up in things I shouldn't. The world is a very unforgiving place. I love her and just need to start forgetting the past and living in the moment. Forgiving mistakes and undoing wrongs. I feel so much sorrow for the grief I have caused. I just want to spend the rest of my life lying beside her, feeling the wind against my face. 


    I can't help but worry about EVERYONE. Every soul that has ever been hurt, which happens to be the entire human race. I can't help but care about people, especially her. I just hope she does what makes her happy, not worrying about my feelings in the process.  


   Life is so worth living anymore and every moment I spend with her becomes more beautiful each time. 

   I will just leave this with I am in love with the most amazing person in the world, and she could have anyone but she chose me.

 She's the reason I cry at night.

 I wish everything played out how I want. I wish everthing was normal again. I want my sister to be my best friend again, I  want not to hurt people or say the wrong thing, I want my dad to care. Certain people believe he does, but only I know the truth. Individuals think they know my family, but they don't. It's like an emotional roller coaster. I want my relationship with people I care about most to be whole again. All I can think about is how pathetic I am, how much I miss her and how I want all these tragedys to end. Why can't my mom accept me? Why is it I am always thinking my next move will probably be wrong just like the last. I didn't even enjoy Christmas, I just want her back. I want to have more friends so i'm not bored, I want people to stop abandoning me. Some people who are very considerate, do a lot for me, but some people are just fucking asses. I love her more than she will ever know, and I can't wait until she can be in my arms again. I've realized I need a lot of human comfort to survive, material things just don't cut it. If I could've had anything for Christmas, it would've been spending it with her. I just want to be able to be happy all the time no matter what.

 today I cried for the first itme in a long time. It felt really good to be able to be alone in my thoughts and think of my life, ponder on what I really want. I realized how lucky I am and I've never felt better in my life. I have a wonderful girlfriend, I look good, I feel great, my heart is still beating, and i have awesome peers. Maybe my life isn't as bad as I truely believe.  that was scary....some guy randomly playing horrible air drums. I can't wait....three years and im out of here!! WOOOOH. that is all.

starting today im having no school till july2. THANK GOD. i hate that place. i'd rather be sitting outside the courthouse in a lobster suit. but i feel really good right now, i took like 2 1/2 vicodin and drank a little so i feel pretty good right now. tomorrow i go to NC with my grandma and shit and it's something im really just not into doing. O_O. i get to see mike though so im happy =]. he's the coolest beer belly guy i know,i cant wait to see him at the beach, drunk, he doesnt get that messed up though so it's funny. i love my hick family :] ANYWAYS- my grandma wants to teach me canasta down there HA yeah right. I always seem to come back with different hair too.thats interesting i keep catching my self randomly flicking my tongue on my lip or the tip of my finger O.o 

haha athena asked about my s/n on teenspot.com[lesbian_girl_93] and she's like "you're a lesbian??" and i told her im like "JESUS ATHENA! AND YOU'VE KNOWN ME HOW LONG!!??" jeez i mean even my great grandma knows. sad. 

o and i was thinking, you can get salvia in tea bags, so what if you gave your grandma a cup of "tea" and she was like "whoa, where'd you get this??" my grandma would probably like it X]

If I gave you three freewishes would you promise to put me in one of them??

well my weekend was....spectacular. i loved every minute of it except the part where i puked. which was my fault because i knew "it" makes me sick but i do it anyways. I NEED A LIFE. i looked at the clock like 10 minutes ago and it said 11:14 and i was like "whoa" thats not so exciting or "whoa" worth. i think everyone has been sick this weekend. bleh. watching people spin in circles does not help either when you're naustiated. i had this dream last night that my friend tabitha called me and i was laying on this big bed with megan and i kept kissing her over and over while i was on the phone. then there were like these little animals running around. it was odd, but cute X] 

                                                                                         wish you were here =]

I woke up this in a puddle of drool which was particularly gross.
Then to top it off, the toaster wasnt woking and i couldnt make my bagels but then realized it wasnt plugged in {which was incredibly mindless of me}
I didnt take my meds till 10
I had to listen to WWE SmackDown{Here Comes The Pain} all morning
My mom woke up in a pissy mood
I have to Bum a rid to Megans house [which i hate doing]
My sinuses are going balistic
I had to take 2 showers because im feeling very OCD at the moment
THERES NO ALLERGY MEDICINE IN MY HOUSE WHATSOEVER
I drank diet pepsi in which my put her ashes in by accident
but the good thing?

I didnt hit my head off my bunk bed waking up this morning